New Year's resolutions we can actually keep
It's that time of year, after weeks of rampant materialism, of avarice and greed, sloth and gluttony, and whatever other deadly sin we managed to squeeze into our straining waistbands over the holidays, along with that quart of egg nog and third helping of plum pudding, that we feel obligated to punish ourselves for being such base animals by promising to do good in the New Year. We never actually follow through, being base animals and all, but the process of making said resolutions ensures a maximum guilt load for our pleasure-seeking behaviour. Forget the opposable thumb - the true difference separating Homo sapiens from other animals is the ability, after having done what animals do, to look back on our actions and convince ourselves we actually had a choice, if only we could have overcome millennia of biological programming. The holidays help illuminate with great clarity, through an exaggerated process of self-indulgence, just how little higher reasoning we actually use in our lifetimes. Mmmm, pie. Tastes like abject self-loathing.
come hither - back off
Therefore, I'm here today to provide you with a list of New Year's resolutions carefully constructed to provide maximum pleasure with minimum guilt and still make you feel as if you've done something productive for the world. It's all how you phrase it, after all.
- I resolve to gain as much weight as possible. Now that there's that Norwegian doctor in the US who will collect adipose tissue through liposuction and convert it into biofuel, it means I'll be doing my part to save the environment. I'm not fat - I'm a fuel cell for the future.
- I resolve to finally call my boss a self-serving, small-minded troll with the sum intelligence of a blinded fruitfly, using as much manic energy and as many interjections of "brainfucker" and "pigeonlicker" as possible. This will serve to boost morale and productivity in the office environment by vicariously relieving years of built-up tension and anxiety in my co-workers, while also forcing me into the inescapable decision of finally changing careers like I keep saying I will.
- You know, if you leave enough shit on the floor, eventually it decomposes into some really high grade topsoil.
- I resolve to spend my free time using my cellphone to record silly videos of myself wearing scuba gear and dancing in the shower a la "Flashdance". It's not stupid - it's the first step to changing the world through the advancement of technology. Today it's scuba dance videos, tomorrow the world. Save the whales!
- I resolve to continue that toxic relationship based purely on sex. Hey, if I don't do it, some poor weak-kneed pushover will get sucked in instead and will have their life ruined. I'm contributing to the improved mental health of a nation.
- I resolve not to volunteer my time to anything in order that other more insecure individuals may have the opportunity to feel selfless and important. Just doing my part.
- I resolve to waste less water and promote an organic lifestyle - by not bathing more than once a week or doing my laundry more than once a month.
- It is of vital importance not to produce all that much of anything creative this year. Nobody likes a show-off. It's undemocratic.
- I resolve not to look at the labels of anything I buy. Such behaviour instills a sense of distrust in our capitalist-driven society, and the world could use a little more trust. Come over here and give us a hug, Proctor & Gamble.
- I resolve to tell everyone I have no New Year's resolutions at all. That way all my friends can keep thinking I'm a strong-willed, confident human being who follows through on my promises. It would be cruel to let them know they won't be getting that $40 back, after all.
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