The City That Ever Reeks
01.09.2007
As you may have already heard, this past Monday brought a bigger stink to lower Manhattan and beyond than what you would usually expect from one of the largest cities in the world. Inhabitants were interrupted from the pleasing inhalation of car exhaust fumes and rotting garbage by a vast cloud of unnameable stench wrapping its greasy, sulphurous fumes around the already hyperparanoid psyches of New Yorkers. A dozen or so people collapsed from the vapours (oh mah laws!) and were taken to hospital, and any number of others vomited up their burrito lunches. Authorities were quick to begin investigations to determine the cause of said repugnant smell, but after innumerable air sample tests and searches for large gas leaks, the cause remained unknown. Mayor Michael Bloomberg held a press conference to reassure his voters that in spite of their present overwhelming desire to rip out their own nasal cavities, they were all perfectly safe.
I now have breaking news of a secret memo revealed through an unnamed source in Bloomberg's office. Considerable circumstantial evidence has opened up further investigation into the following possible ominous sources of The Great Stink:
- The disastrous consequence of a misguided human rights activist gathering thousands of New York's homeless together in Central Park for a spiritually uplifting session of Tai Chi. Events turned to mayhem immediately after leading the group into the posture Flying Dove Spreads its Wings.
- As was always feared, the last ingredient was illegally dumped into the Hudson to finally trigger a chain reaction that transformed the river into a giant trough of Hungarian goulash. Mama Ilonka Bal�zs is proportedly suing the municipality for stealing her secret recipe.
- Donald Trump started in on Rosie O'Donnell again.
- The entire population was suddenly and simultaneously struck with the awareness that, dear God, they lived in New York.
- Lady Liberty ain't such a lady after all.
- An enormous convoy of rats broke into a Manhattan Taco Bell.
- A secret attempt gone horribly awry by the New York Tourism Association to duplicate the odiferously divine and just as mysterious "Pancakes and Maple Syrup" incident of October 2005.
- There was no smell - it was just a brief malfunction of the trial Microsoft chips embedded in New Yorkers' brains. Simply hit control-alt-delete and you should be fine.
In fact, after intensive study, the source was indeed finally revealed:- New Jersey snuck a cheek squeak.
make idle gossip (1 comments so far)
come hither - back off
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