Smoogís Lessons in Etiquette: Lesson #3 Ė The Bathroom
OK, all right, obviously Iím moving a little too fast for all of you plebeian slobs. I had thought, since weíre all adults here, that I could limit my LIEís to the more complex areas of social interaction that reside outside oneís home. However, after having spent a horrifying 15 minutes in the womanís washroom at Cherryís Bar & Grill, itís apparent you mob of festering animals require remedial instruction in the worst way.
come hither - back off
If courtesy really does start in the home, I simply canít help but be amazed that most of you havenít been locked away in a jail or mental institution by now to protect the rest of society. Then again, perhaps you are all in jails or mental institutions, and simply have unusually regular internet access in the common room where all the drugs are handed out. It would certainly explain some of the emails youíve sent me requesting nail files and Haldol. Well, what you really need, people, is a roll of asswipe and some manners.
Therefore, itís back to basics, and what could be more basic, then, than the space in which you spend most of your time as naked as the day you first ruined your motherís life? Where touching your privates regularly is a sign of good hygiene, and not rampant narcissism? Where all of your toxic waste is released from bowels, urethras, vaginas, mouths, and pores and swept into some vast communal pond of body crap to be processed, distilled, and bottled for drinking in fancy French cafťs?
Now, if you live alone, then you really donít have to worry about any rules of conduct or proper etiquette. After all Ė youíre alone. You can do whatever you damn well please when youíre alone, and Iím sure you do, you pervert. However, should you share your abode, and therefore your toilet, with another human being, or should you be invited to the neighbourís potluck dinner and need to expel said potluck while there, youíll need to pay close attention to the following code of conduct for lavatories and loos worldwide.
#1: Before entering a bathroom, remove your pants and underwear. This loo contains shared surfaces, after all, upon which your roommate or host is going to plonk their nads or scrub their vulva. They will want to make absolutely certain youíre not carrying any surprise undesirables in there with you. For extra courtesy, carry your own de-licing comb for those individuals who wish to undertake a more thorough pre-lavatory investigation.
#2: Should the aforementioned surprise undesirables be discovered, or even simply suspected, you must ensure you carry on your person your own Poonanie / Ramrod Intensive Cleansing Kit (PRICK). If you don't have a PRICK on hand, go out there and get one. And remember, donít forget to bring your PRICK with you to every crapper you visit. You never know when a PRICK might come in handy. Now available at your local pharmacy are the convenient pocket-sized travel-pack PRICKs, perfect for summer vacations and international exploration. Every travel-pack PRICK comes with a handy dandy PRICK translation pamphlet.
#3: Now that you have been properly PRICKed, you may enter the bathroom. However, before doing so it is important that you collect the box of cling wrap from the kitchen. Proceed to take off your shoes and socks - should you still be wearing them in the house, you slob - and enshroud your tootsies. Now do so to the sink faucets, toilet seat, toilet handle, and floors. In aristocratic circles in the UK, it is also customary to place a double layer of cling wrap loosely across the toilet bowlís opening, allowing for a convenient cling wrap catchbasin to develop. To deposit even microscopic digestive filth within a hostís domicile is, in upper crust England, far too revolting to consider, so instead they create wee plastic-wrapped baggies and dispose of them in the Thames on their way home.
#4: Should you use up the last of the toilet paper, always load the new roll top down in an overhand fashion. After all, that backwards nonsense does no earthly good for anyone. Ever. Besides, it's just so darn cute to give housecats a chance to unroll the whole thing and drag it all the way around your hostís home, chewing it periodically and urping up wads of bile-filed bumwad in strategic locations.
#5: Should you drop a ridiculously large log in the loo, it is vital that all future users of said loo are aware of the potential risk of loo-log. Take a handy lipstick or eyeliner pencil, in the case that a female inhabits the home, or, in the case of males, shaving cream or a simple bar of soap, and write in detail on the medicine cabinet mirror the description and manner of said monstrous log's loo entry.
#6: A courteous bathroom guest always has relevant, scintillating toilet books to bring along and leave behind for their hostsí future enjoyment. Recommended titles include The Christian Coalition's Guide to Sexual Wellness (100% Christ Approved); Hazards of Office Supplies as Sexual Stimulants: Personal Testimonials; My Hemorrhoid, Myself: The Ultimate Guide To Anuses; An Erotic Tale of Soap; or The Vienna Boy's Choir: A Photographic Album.
#7: Should you be female, and should it so happen that you're menstruating, absolutely do not flush feminine napkins or tampons down the toilet. Instead, wrap them up in an entire roll of toilet paper, then cling wrap, and with a felt marker (found in your PRICK), label said package "MENSTRUAL BLOOD FOUND HERE" before depositing it into the garbage can. Said wad should be situated directly atop all other garbage to ensure clear, legible display.
#8: When you use the plunger as a sexual aid to give yourself a quickie before heading out, have the decency to wipe it off afterwards.
#9: Shared bathtubs are rife with potential acts of impropriety. Therefore, always make sure to tell roommates when, while showering, you have a) peed in it; b) walked across it with wart-infested feet; c) menstruated in it; d) jacked off in it; and/or e) hacked up a dead body with a chainsaw in it.
#10: When you have completed your expulsion, flushed, and created your plastic-wrapped baggie for Thames disposal, carefully sniff the air. Then, upon exiting the bathroom, shout in a way that all potential inhabitants of the space can hear and provide an extensive list of your previous meals that have influenced the fragrant odour wafting from the room. This allows future users to plan their own meals accordingly to ensure there is no clashing of internal perfumes. In the case of orthodox Muslims, no announcement of previous meals is necessary. Instead, open the bathroom door, pace back and forth around the toilet while ringing a large cowbell, and chant, "Unclean! Unclean!"
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