Absence makes the heart grow fungus
04.05.2004
Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
As you've likely surmised by this point, if you're actually still with me, I am not a diary writer. (Either that or you suspect I live in an alternate universe where, when a person sneezes, they are flung forward through time on their own mucus.) You say, "But Smoog, darling -- it's called 'Diaryland' for a reason." Well, yes, but I'm an iconoclast at heart. Besides, overly high internet intake makes my eyes bleed. "Where have you been?" you ask. Very well, although you may not be prepared for the answer, I will tell you. However, I need you to take a deep breath and find a soft, comfy chair to sit in. Seated? Now, put aside all beverages and snacks, as I would not wish for any of you to choke to death upon my announcement. It's one thing to crush your spirit, quite another to actually commit homicide. The former is perfectly legal, and occasionally quite fun.
Ready? All right, here it is: there is life outside the internet.
I know, I know -- you're shaking your heads in disbelief. But yes, there are actually such things as blue sky, sunlight, hot dog stands, grass, and these creatures we call homo sapiens that exist outside Final Fantasy XI. In fact, they're strewn all over the place. It's really quite messy. On the up side, however, there are no fire-breathing dragons or psychotic goblins anywhere around. At least, there isn't as long as you don't count Martha Stewart.
Spring has arrived in the mighty metropolis of Edmonton, the northern gateway to Canada's rectum. In this fine city, spring consists of a heavy layer of half-rotted leaves, cigarette butts, gum wrappers, used condoms, and silt, potholes that double as basement garages, and enough airborne dust to choke a moose. There is one colour allowed during an Edmonton spring: gray. Gray trees, vast expanses of gray cement, gray buildings, gray dirt, gray grass, and gray faces of all those inhabitants who have lived for 5 months with just enough sunlight to drive us all mad wishing for more. There is one other colour allowed: blue. That's something Edmonton definitely gets its share of - blue sky. It's quite pretty, having all that sun and blue sky. That's another thing in Edmonton's favour: when there is sun, there is a lot of it. Oh fuck, is there. I'm now waking up at 5 am as the sun blasts directly onto my eyelids through the cracks in my blinds. Soon I'll have the great good fortune of trying to fall asleep in what looks like high noon.
If some greater power ever decides to retrofit this planet, I have some suggestions to make about spring in Edmonton. I'd recommend the undertaking, in spite of the smelly mess created by mass flooding, pestilence, famine, and massive geological upheavals. After all, it's been a while since this place has seen any maintenance. If Big Kahuna Properties Ltd. isn't careful, tenants are simply going to stop paying rent. Even worse, they may hire Johnny Cochrane to represent them in a class action suit. Oh sure, it may seem a like a big undertaking to build a platypus, but I don't think the Almighty has ever had to deal with American law.
My first recommended upgrade: dimmer switches. It's all well and good to bask naked under the full moon now and then, but after 7 days of shift work and a night of tequila shooters, it's simply uncalled for. At the very least, a tinted windshield should be installed on the atmosphere. I don't give a shit that the sun powers all life on earth: what's a few dead lizards when I can get 8 hours of sleep?
Next, delay switches on penises.
Recyclable uterine linings.
Self-destruct sequences for morons.
Elevators installed on mountain ranges.
The inability to throw anything away beyond one's own backyard. Any attempt at chucking anything where no one will presumably find it will automatically result in 3 tons of elephant dung being magically transported onto one's bed.
Mute buttons on drunken people.
Ensuring that everything that tastes delicious is good for your health. Brussel sprouts will be poisonous.
Non-shed cats.
Pandas with Uzi�s.
Reassignment surgery for bigots. Any prejudiced remark or discrimination against another human being results in an immediate transformation into a black Jewish quadraplaegic stuttering lesbian.
Lastly, could someone please do something about the Olson twins? That's just wrong in so many ways.
make idle gossip (10 comments so far)
come hither - back off
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