how to talk dirty without even trying

During my latest lengthy hiatus from the Eye, I've spent some time researching the neurophysiological impacts of the English language upon its listeners. In layman's terms, I've stared into space with a glazed expression while Alien Bossman ranted on and on and on for five months straight. In order to maintain my sanity, I searched about frantically for some sort of mental game that would (a) keep me occupied, (b) keep me from committing homocide, and (c) remain undetectable to professional office eyes. In doing so, I've stumbled upon a truly eye-opening revelation about the human brain and the language it has created to communicate with others.

Everything is dirty.

Really. Everything. No matter what anyone says to you, no matter what the environment, the urgency of the situation, or the possibility of maiming or death, it's dirty. Without altering a word of speech, all a person has to do is imagine that the person speaking is (a) waggling their eyebrows, (b) leering, (c) leaning forward, and (d) murmuring as if their mother is standing right behind them. Suddenly everything they say becomes a euphemism for any conceivable depraved sexual act you could ever imagine. Needless to say, I've now been able to endure the foaming-mouthed close-to-unintelligible barrage of contempt thrown my way by the Alien and conduct my office work with a smile while remaining cheerful, relaxed, and ever so slightly flushed.

How can you too talk dirty - or listen dirty, as it were - in any situation? Let me show to you how simple and intuitive it all really is, and how it reveals that the only real purpose language truly has is foreplay.

Eh hem. "I can't wait to finish up here so I can finally -

dust the flagpole
toast my bagels
defeat the British Army
hang the neighbours' laundry
capitalise my I's
tune my harpsichord
lick the plate clean
twist my faucet
steam the drapes
signal the Puritans
paint with Dali
abuse my comma
reupholster the sofa
lacquer the cat
juggle my cherries
make the kids' lunch
bronze my booties
file my patent
find magnetic north
rewire the fusebox
cop a plea
fudge my numbers
speak in tongues
erect a tent
slip through the cracks
tuck in the twins
vote for Bush
look for spare change between the sofa cushions
work overtime in the back office
whip my meringue
measure some inseams
jiggle the handle
split hairs
tip the cow
do some insider trading."

In fact, dirty talk is so easy to create that some computer geek actually invented a Random Euphemism Generator. If a brainless, genital-less computer can do it, anyone can.

Of course, if you're one to giggle/blush/orgasm easily, you may want to avoid both speaking and listening to anyone, anywhere from now on. To do otherwise might be hazardous to your professional health - albeit great for blood flow to your extremities.

make idle gossip (13 comments so far)

come hither - back off

Last 5 entries:
01.14.2007:Finally, a support group we can all get behind
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01.08.2007:Waiter, there's a uterus in my soup
01.03.2007:Long Lost Mummy of Nefertiti Found in Smoog's Apartment
12.30.2006:New Year's resolutions we can actually keep

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