The International Federation of Bisexual Shadow Boxers is born
As promised, I have spent the morning filing articles of incorporation and applying for charitable status in order to birth the International Federation of Bisexual Shadow Boxers (IFBSB). I need a business plan, a mandate, a slogan, a logo, a set of sparring guidelines, and much more. I've quickly thrown a package together, and this will have to do for now. This being the holiday season, I'm short on prep time. At the moment, I'm awaiting my first christmas dinner with a family member in over a decade. My elder sister invited me to see her home and family tomorrow evening. Since I think it wise to conduct the proper research before eating anyone's food, I've hired a private dick to snap revealing pics of their pantry while I scrub and press myself. Said pressing is absolutely essential to ensure that all remaining leakage is properly drained from within me. Post-surgical slip-ups from an errant sneeze or overly exuberant back-slapping could otherwise result, and that's not something anyone wants to mix with turkey and cranberry jelly.
come hither - back off
I hadn't expected the formation of the IFBSB to be quite so unwieldy. There have been snags.
First, the name. I am stuck with it, I'm afraid, and that should serve as ample warning to all of you not to create international incidents via idle chatter. As acronyms go, there may be something of note to be found in the cryptic yet poignant message "If BS be...", so perhaps the name's not a total wash. I've also tossed around possible shortform endearments for the organisation. "Interfed Bi Box" is one to consider. Or perhaps "ACDC Shadow Jab".
Then there's the weight category issue. I wouldn't want to contribute even further to crass stereotypes and unfair gravitational discrimination, and if it weren't for my initial mention of internal liquid storage to reach heavyweight status (see above re: ample warning) I would abandon the whole idea. Therefore, I've decided to make weighings-in optional, along with spigot attachment for the above-noted liquid storage. This seems only appropriate, since the size of a fighter will always far outweigh that of his or her lightless opponent, regardless of sickeningly tiny waist measurements, planetary atmosphere, or scale accuracy (we all know how those Toledo bastards lie).
These sorts of federations always catch on best with spiffy uniforms, so the required dress code shall be lamé. Gold is preferred, but multihued lamé will be grudgingly accepted. Boas optional. Stop bitching that the fabric doesn't breathe; you're boxing thin air. Just what kind of sweat are you workng up, anyway?
Sparring guidelines: either natural sunlight or halogen lighting preferred for shadow production. Shadow boxing walls may be indoor or outdoor structures, but stucco is strictly prohibited. Aluminium siding shall only be allowed during exhibition matches. No physical contact with wall allowed. Tripping on one's boa and falling into said wall will be overlooked on first offense; however, all subsequent trips & falls shall be punishable by 5 demerit points and boa confiscation.
Application to the IFBSB shall be open to the public, free of charge. However, by no later than 2 weeks after presentation of approved federation uniform, proof of bisexuality must be provided to Candi and Biff, the IFBSB applicant screening officials.
For marketing purposes, it's imperative I have a slogan, a catchphrase, a motto to roll trippingly from members' bisexual tongues. Being tired, sore, and cranky, I've only managed to come up with one myself, whereas others were kindly provided by family members I've accosted. A final decision has yet to be made, but the shortlist presently contains the following:
1. No, this is not a pee dance.
2. If BS be... or not to be, that is the question.
3. You'd be scratching yourself too if you wore lamé for 6 days straight.
4. Fuck Tai Bo.
All other sloganly suggestions are gladly accepted. Feel free to post them in Smoog's Notes.
Last, I need a logo. Sadly, my graphic design software is woefully limited at the moment. Although I could likely whip something up, it would neither have the flare nor the professional impact needed for the organisation to thrive and grow. Therefore, I hereby officially announce the Grand Opening IFBSB Logo Competition! The logo should be easily compressed both in physical and file size, in either JPEG or GIF format. Submissions should be sent by email to firstname.lastname@example.org. Final judging shall be administered by myself, Smoog. The winning entry shall have their work proudly displayed on the final IFBSB official mandate page to be created... well, whenever I decide on a logo I like, along with a link to the winning entrant's diary should they have one and my eternal gratitude.
Drum roll please! I hereby declare the International Federation of Bisexual Shadow Boxing officially swinging both ways -- or just going through a stage of temporary confusion, whichever.
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