Smoog's Lessons in Etiquette: Lesson #4 – The House Party
12.30.2005

In preparation for the biggest bash of the year, I think it ever so timely to continue my instructions on the subtle art of morally appropriate social interaction. After all, you've been left to your own devices without my intervention for far too long. By this point you're probably shoving French fries up your nose in public.

Parties are the epitome of delicate social ecosystems. This is true of any environment containing alcohol, music, large crowds, and extra condoms. Even the slightest lapse in moral judgement can lead to ostracism, deridement, and shame for years to come. No one wants to be the wallflower - especially against Aunt Hedrid's decorating scheme. Can you say "clash"?

Therefore, print off the following essential tips on the perfect party and keep them handy for whenever the time comes to keep the granny panties in the underwear drawer and put your party thong on.


#1) Invitations are so last year. Just show up. Oh sure, the lights are off, but that doesn't mean you've arrived on the wrong day. It just means your gracious hosts want to act appropriately surprised when you burst through the door yelling, "Police raid!"

#2) Nothing says "party hipster" like a beer mug hat and Hawaiian shirt. Shake that thang, Howard from accounting.

#3) Everyone loves a picnic party theme. Bring ants.

#4) The only way to properly move around at a party is via conga line. Never stop.

#5) While attending a New Year's Eve bash at the new home of your best of best friends, it's important to let everyone know what a groovy and humourous person your friends really are via the type of friends they have. Therefore, it's appropriate to introduce yourself to the new neighbours by playing with your fly, leering, and asking everyone if they want to ring in the New Year by watching your balls drop.

#6) If you're a morose drunk, at least have the decency to share your mood stabilizers with the others before slinking away to sob in a corner.

#7) Stomping around the living room yelling, "Who drank my fucking microbrews?" will not make the beer come back, not unless you're willing to hang around on the back porch waiting for the inevitable rush of overdrinkers to lean over the railing. No, looking wistfully into the bottom of an empty bottle will not increase your odds. If you had wanted to keep the beer for yourself, the fridge was not the place to put it. Instead, you should have hidden it in your underpants like everyone else.

#8) Don't waste your time with hor d'oeuvres. Nobody ever really wants a canapé anyway. Instead, get the party hopping with a nice warm bowl of Chex mix. Mmmm, crunchy, and ever such a good match with that bottle of vintage Bordeaux from the neighbours.

#9) Party balloons + unattended helium canister = fun times for all with Grandma Marjorie and Mr. Bickles the basset hound.

#10) If you find that you are not having as much fun as you might like, remember the tried and true saying about the squeaky wheel. Address this problem by following your hosts around and intermittently slapping them in the back of the head screaming, "No fun!"

#11) Beef jerky sculpture: the best party favour ever.

#12) Everyone knows the party always congregates in the kitchen. Accentuate the mood with 200 watt floods, a fresh coat of mauve paint, and a sexually frustrated Great Dane. They'll never want to leave.

#13) Your hosts don't want you to end the party until they're standing in the front hall in their pyjamas holding the door open. Don't disappoint them. And show them in the meantime how warm and inviting you find their home: take your pants off and nap on the living room floor. Make sure that beer is securely fastened in your underpants. We wouldn't want leakage.

#14) One word: Abba.


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Last 5 entries:
01.14.2007:Finally, a support group we can all get behind
01.09.2007:The City That Ever Reeks
01.08.2007:Waiter, there's a uterus in my soup
01.03.2007:Long Lost Mummy of Nefertiti Found in Smoog's Apartment
12.30.2006:New Year's resolutions we can actually keep



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