Win friends and influence people through bloodshed
01.08.2006

Are you feeling unloved? Racked with doubt that your potential is unfulfilled but don't want to put any effort into fulfilling it? Do you need to be feel special and increase the gratuitous adoration from strangers that you receive? If you answered "yes" to these questions, have I got the plan for you! You too can be placed on a pedestal to be loved and adored by millions for no particular reason if you simply follow these easy steps to a grand and glorified life!

No, there's no need to buy a new power wardrobe. You won't have to bathe more often, whiten your teeth, or stop eating all that pizza. You won't even need to ask for that raise you've always wanted. If you follow this program, the boss will be begging to promote you! Yes, that's right - you don't need great looks, willpower or confidence to reach your goals in life. All you need is a very high pain threshold and the ability not to die and you too can reach the top!

Since the dawn of civilisation, it has been human nature to adore pain and suffering. Particularly if said human beings have never undergone pain and suffering themselves, the combination of human empathy and no bloody clue leads them to believe that the act of continuing to breathe after being squeezed through a meat grinder involves some kind of deliberate effort on the part of the grindee. In fact, they are so convinced that the victims of inadvertent mincing had to have possessed some powerful mental strength in order to keep breathing that they send endless crews of news reporters to follow the grindee's every move and interview them on Prime Time Live for as long as no one gets bored with the whole process. They lavish the almost-dead with praise, good will, and gifts, and secretly suspect all minced people are the Chosen Ones of some all-knowing deity. The mincing couldn't just be the result of bad luck or clumsiness. Neither could it be a random catastrophe that can befall just anyone. Oh no, this was bestowed upon the minced as some kind of miraculous test, and those who don't lose their pulse passed! They are winners! They are special! Bow down!

How can you too join the ranks of the bleeding Chosen, you ask? Get a disease! Fall down a well! Find an earthquake and get buried under it for 5 days! Get kidnapped by a raving religious fanatic for 8 months! Climb Everest, fall off a cliff, and chew off your own arm to survive! Yes, it's that easy. You too can be revered and worshipped for nothing more than a nasty case of colon cancer. Oh, no worries - it doesn't matter that you didn't actually choose the pain and suffering, or that you have no other option to living besides killing yourself, which actually takes a great deal more effort than continuing to live a miserable, pain-filled life. As long as you maintain a pulse and don't scream too much from the unremitting agony, they'll love you. Pain is good. Pain is great. Pain makes you a better person. Oh yes, painless people are inferior people. When painless people try to tell you what for, you just look them in the eye and say, "Hey, I threw up a kidney, and I know better than you." They'll believe you!

Can it really be this simple? Why yes, yes it can. After all, I'm also a client. I followed this program and developed a beautiful brain tumour. After just a few dozen staples and a shaved head, I was informed I was strong, courageous, wise, and emminently special by family, friends, co-workers, and even complete strangers! Simply by waiting around for some disease to screw me over, I was given license to behave inappropriately in public and tell anyone just what I thought about them because I had become an almost-dead person. Almost-dead people are imbued from on high with magical powers of perception, and if their behaviour is a little, er, off after being almost dead, it is simply a sign of their new enlightenment through bleeding.

Two words of caution. First, do nothing that could lead the painless hordes to believe it was your own damn fault you hacked up a lung or lost an eye. This program works only if you are seen as blameless. However, risk takers breath easy! Human beings love the adventurous almost as much as they adore the maimed. Go bungie jump off that bridge, climb that mountain, put out that fire, and chase that deranged serial killer! You can still be Chosen no matter how many times you deliberately put yourself in the face of oncoming mutilation, as long as you maintain your status as "cutting edge" or "trailblazing". Lastly, use your new status wisely. Milking it too much for too long will slowly lead the painless hordes to suspect the truth, that pain and suffering don't make anyone special at all, that pain and suffering, in fact, suck the giant bag for everyone, and that to have a life without any pain and suffering in it is actually not such a horrible idea after all. We can't have truth coming out all over the place, now can we? Therefore, it is best to allow others to pull your pain card out for you or, if you must, pull out your own pain card only in times of great need, such as when you encounter another Chosen One who has potentially bled more than you have.

No - an ice cream craving is not considered a "time of great need".

Yes, that's it. That's all. Allow human nature and the sick worship of misery to pave you a road to respect and fame, and you too can be a Chosen One!

With a really bad headache or an arterial gusher, perhaps, but still - Chosen.


I have had bestowed upon me the great honour of being appointed a 12% Beermate. Mmmm, beer. Also, only 3 more days left to place your votes on the 2006 Bloggie Awards. I'm not saying you have to vote for me or anything. I'm just saying.

TranceJen was kind enough to remind me of this, and since I'm always eager (read "desperate") to hear from all of you, this is what "this" is:



Just do it.


make idle gossip (22 comments so far)

come hither - back off


Last 5 entries:
01.14.2007:Finally, a support group we can all get behind
01.09.2007:The City That Ever Reeks
01.08.2007:Waiter, there's a uterus in my soup
01.03.2007:Long Lost Mummy of Nefertiti Found in Smoog's Apartment
12.30.2006:New Year's resolutions we can actually keep



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