Smoog's Lessons in Etiquette: Lesson #1 - The Internet
When exposed to any new environment, it is with the greatest of trepidation that we should enter unprepared. Social manoeuvring is most complex and intricate - it requires a delicate hand and delicate sensibilities. Heavens to Betsy that we should stumble and falter in front of others. Such public shame results in a permanent and unsightly stain upon one's reputation, and we could never survive without our invitations to croquet in the Hamptons, now could we?
come hither - back off
Yet, horror of horrors, the sudden and traumatic birthing of the World Wide Web demanded even the most seasoned of synchronized swimmers in the pool of social niceties to swim in uncharted waters, as it were. In this freshest of fresh springs, there were no rules. It was then a matter of who managed to sputter and splash to the far side first that determined the future of social mannerisms in this ever-expanding public swimming hole.
As it happened, the porn producers were excellent breaststrokers.
It has become agonizingly clear to me during my excursions through the internet that this inviolable state of affairs has been ignored, shucked, scorned, and otherwise rudely discarded by the lot of you. The porn people won, fair and square. It is not our place to question why, but only to immerse ourselves in their unique and vibrant interpersonal culture.
Therefore, with a heavy heart and yearning for the social betterment of mankind, I feel compelled to provide you with these top ten guidelines on conducting your business via the internet.
#1 - At all times before connecting to the internet, please remove your clothing and turn on your webcam. It is considered acceptable to wear a tie in government-run or religious web forums, but only if you send an email to the webmaster that you have used said tie as a butt plug and will be perfectly willing to provide proof online on request.
#2 - A joystick is a terrible thing to waste.
#3 - Upon entering all chatrooms, it is considered highly inappropriate to make an appearance without first announcing, "I have a giant [insert appropriate genitalia here] and I'm not afraid to use it." Exceptions include the presence of one's parents in said chatrooms, in which case the aforementioned announcement should be altered to, "My mother/father has a giant [genital whatsit] and I'm not afraid to use it."
#4 - Have your RAM enlarged.
#5 - When broaching the new and exciting world of chatting on the internet, it is important, in the case of men, to double the size and girth of your penis (through the use of easily affordable pills, vacuum tubes, NASA engineered polymers, etc.), or, in the case of women, to express your nearly diabolical interest in flinging all of your clothes off at any moment and grappling any nearby mammal that has a pulse. However, should you be discriminating in your initial selection of chatrooms, mammals and pulses may be excluded from this introduction.
#6 - If it talks to you, you must fuck it.
#7 - All internet users must immediately change the audio of "you've got mail" to "you now have many economical and discrete ways to purchase Viagra."
#8 - If a chatter piques your interest, it is considered bad form should you not follow them to every site they visit, posting messages such as "I will never leave you," "I dream of licking your lobes," and "I'm masturbating right this minute while imagining you naked in a tub of guacamole," while also sending no less than 5 emails daily containing such interpersonal gambits as your photographic nude interpretations of the last 15 presidencies.
#9 - Any user name you choose for web forums or chatrooms must contain at least two of the following: sucking, licking, meatmaster, juicy hole, slick, wet, throbbing, heat-seeking, sausage, thrusting, cornhole, massive, melons, missile, underage, double-D, rubdown, or spread-eagle.
#10 - You are always, always, 18 years of age or older.
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