Taking On The Great Outdoors with Seething Wang Hose: Lesson #1 - Ice Fishing
Throughout my dissemination of Smoog's Lessons in Etiquette, I have always been painfully aware that the males of our species are in most need of morally upright guidance. From an early age, males are pulled off the course of social appropriateness by mobs of delinquents who will do such things as applaud a boy for writing his name in the snow with his pee or blowing ants up with a magnifying glass. Therefore, in the interests of spreading civility into arenas where it is most desperately needed, I called upon the assistance of an expert in the field of men, my friend and cohort in the No Pants Gang, the ever-so-talented Seething Wang Hose.
come hither - back off
Since the willy-toting members of the human race apparently learn many of their intersocial skills through the use of sports and recreation with their fellow nutholders, and since I myself am willy-less, I enlisted Wang's help to illuminate to you, the eager public, the secret honour code of male bonding through the use of random violence and killing stuff. Since Hosey absolutely abhors all sports and outdoor recreation, and since due to his fabulous fashion sense and extensive knowledge of the Japanese tea ceremony he has been outcast from the world of the uncouth male, he was a perfect choice. Therefore, with no further delay, it gives me great pleasure to present to you - Seething Wang Hose!
As the winter months are now getting up to full speed, this seems to me to be an opportune moment to discuss the finer points of the etiquette of ice fishing. I know, I know. After all the emails and pleading fortune cookie messages, now I decide to acquiesce? Well, cajole no longer, my squirming little love guppies, for here are a few essentials that will keep you gliding through the morass of ice fishing niceties slicker than a greased Thai midget.
#1) No matter how cold you are, do not grab someone else's pole.
#2) If, in a fit of pique, you refuse to walk to the outhouse to go to the bathroom, wet yourself, and are summarily frozen to the lake by your own urine - yes, you do have to stay there until the animals come. I'm sorry, that's just the way it is.
#3) If you didn't want to be the beer bitch, perhaps you should have thought of that before deciding to wear moon boots.
#4) If you happen to be in an icehouse next to the Svenson's Luxury Icehouse - the one with the deluxe fridge, gas grill, and heated footbath - you are obligated to perform the annual ritual of adorning their tiny chalet in rotting fish parts. Don't worry, it happens every year and the locals will secretly love you for it.
#5) In the event that you become profoundly dissatisfied with your life while sitting in a dark, freezing room, attempting to pour enough alcohol into your system to float the tiny red ball of your soul, and you decide to end it all - it is customary to tie a fish to your head and crawl into your own fishing hole. This will at least give some lucky bastard the chance at a new story to tell their therapist.
#6) Although fish, and frozen, a fishcicle isn't nearly as funny as you think it is.
#7) To participate fully in the ice fishing experience, you are free to consider the neighbor's collie as "back-up sustenance".
#8) Ice fishing is a sacred activity to many peoples. Show your reverence for this by including phrases such as: "Sweet holy mother of [insert deity here] this _______ is ______!" into your conversations.
#9) What happens in the ice house, stays in the ice house.
#10) It is traditional to bring along a companion from warmer climes to experience the joy of this gentleman's sport. Guests from places like Florida, Texas, and California are especially welcome. Periodically mention the unusual color of their extremities.
#11) "Exposure" has two equally important but subtly different meanings in the arena of ice fishing. Do your part to promote safety and conduct impromptu seminars illustrating this.
#12) Ice fishing is a formative experience in the lives of many young people. When younger fisherman ask about strange noises, always respond with, "Hmm, sounded like ice weasels to me."
#13) Ice fishing is a dangerous sport. It is perfectly acceptable to kill your companions and wear their skins as a coat. But only if it is really cold.
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