When you still can't find the words
03.08.2005
You know all those actors who insist that they're glad their television show is being cancelled because it's always best to stop while you're ahead?
They're full of shit.
I never quit, not unless a large football team is sent in with SWAT gear to tackle me and take me down kicking and screaming -- which happened that night at The Retro Pub when I started singing showtunes on karaoke night. (I don't know what the big deal was. Who wouldn't want to hear Memories as sung by each of the last six U.S. presidents?)
Therefore, I bring you --
The Revenge of the Diptionary! (cues grandiose symphonic overture)
absenthe (adj.) -- Having left the room by way of wormwood-induced hallucinations.
actromonious (adj.) -- Appearing haughty and disgusted in the presence of a person whose bones, in fact, one wishes to jump.
bomper (n.) -- Explosive car accessory to discourage tailgaters.
caliprate (v.) -- To make adjustments to one's gossip when the subject comes within earshot.
catipoller (n.) -- Trainee on the way to becoming a full-fledged market researcher who will hover around telephones until burning out.
catipuller (n.) -- One who yanks the legs off insects.
cellophone (n.) -- Cling-wrap telecommunications, a catastrophic technological failure out of Japan, which was pulled from the market after the 10th death by asphyxiation.
comatoes (n.) -- Feet that have lost all sensation from having been sat upon, thereby cutting off circulation; diagnosis can be made when subject attempts walking and drags leg behind them in Quasimodo gait while muttering profanities.
dramamime (v.) -- To render a person comatose with charades.
enterpride (n.) -- Smugness in Trekkies.
esprit de corpse (n.) -- Brotherhood among necrophiliacs.
felane (n.) -- Cat's right-of-way (i.e. every way).
fuckle (adj.) -- No longer wanting to have sex while in the middle of it.
garganjuan (n.) -- A large Mexican.
harmoanious (adj.) -- Relating to synchronized outcries during sexual intercourse.
jambagoya (n.) -- Spicy dish consisting of rice, shrimp, and anti-semites.
kumquit (v.) -- Of parents, to give up trying to get their children to eat odd vegetables.
lactadaisical (adj.) -- Of infants who breastfeed while dozing.
luftwaffle (n.) - Airborne German pancake.
nihilost (adj.) -- Not knowing where you are and absolutely certain you won't find it on any map.
orpit (n.) -- The locker room on the International Space Station.
pachydorm (n.) -- College lodging for glandularly challenged students.
philentropy (n.) -- The inevitable deterioration of charitable aid once CNN stops airing pictures of crying babies.
Prickadilly Circus (Pr. n.) -- Paris' answer to London's famous square.
puntomime (n.) -- A growing sport in North America that combines American football and annoying street buskers.
quailudes (pl. n.) -- Downers for chickens.
slyrup (n.) -- Medicine hidden in Kool-aid by devious parents.
make idle gossip (3 comments so far)
come hither - back off
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