When you just can't find the words
02.26.2005

I have finally escaped the Alien Bossman, but only by essentially losing my mind. Of course, as many of you already know, there wasn't all that much left in the first place. What this does mean, however, is that I now have plenty of time to do all kinds of things. What I will likely do is absolutely nothing, but it's the idea of being able to do anything that matters, not actually doing it. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

What I have been doing for the past two days is creating my own dictionary, compounding words to fill in desperate gaps in the English lexicon. I have already found them useful in daily conversations. I hope you do too.

ambitchion (n.) -- The desire to reach the top through the use of constant complaints about all the people who keep you down.

amplitood (n.) -- Maxxed out moxie, dude. Like, totally.

barbequeue (n.) -- A line-up for grilled meat.

boorax (n.) -- Extreme joy at escaping the dullest person at a dinner party.

Bozoloft (n.) -- Antidepressant for clowns.

camoflogs (pl. n.) -- surreptitious pummelings.

canapee (n.) -- An appetizer on a cracker that tastes delicious, but smells like urine.

cannonballism (n.) -- The ritualistic eating of ammunition.

cantileper (n.) -- A pariah used to hold heavy loads while supported by the ankles over a roof.

castigloat (v.) -- To punish someone's behavior by bragging about how much better you are at it.

celloplane (n.) -- The Wright brothers' catastrophic attempt at musical flight.

charnival (n.) -- Amusement park for morticians.

Charopractor (n.) -- A practitioner who realigns Spanish lounge acts.

clairveyance (n.) -- The uncanny ability to know exactly what bus to catch.

Congaress (n.) -- National legislative body selected by relative quality of Latin-American dance moves.

crampground (n.) -- A picnic area for premenstrual women.

deprussian (n.) -- A melancholy German.

diptionary (n.) -- A dictionary organized by how idiots think words are spelled so that the words can actually be found in a dictionary in the first place.

discombovulate (v.) -- To replace someone's birth control pills with Tic Tacs.

discombovulated (adj.) -- Of peri-menopausal woman, disorientation caused by menstrual cycles that alternate between lasting 2 months at a stretch, not occurring for 6 months, and occurring every 2 weeks.

docsology (n.) -- A short hymn sung to a GP after an annual physical.

dragonflu (n.) -- An extremely rare virus; symptoms are fever, chest congestion, dry cough, and sneezing jets of flame.

effenvescent (adj.) -- So fucking upbeat and bubbly the person should be shot.

evangelatal (adj.) -- Relating to the use of Jello molds as visual aids in spreading the gospel.

feetces (n.) -- Waste matter from between one's toes.

frankenfarter (n.) -- One who is gassy from having eaten too much spicy sausage.

glamdular (adj.) -- Relating to an abnormally high secretion of sparkle.

guanulate (v.) - To form into a dung-like substance; "Eric's first attempts at cooking ended in disaster when he guanulated the soufflé."

Halleludiah (n. & interj.) -- The outburst from virgin teenage males upon seeing their first set of naked boobies.

helicaptor (n.) -- A person who ensnares a fleeing suspect by launching themselves atop them.

helion (n.) -- An unruly person with a high, squeaky voice.

hulagram (n.) -- Polynesian mail.

iconoclasp (n.) - Rebels' secret handshake.

idiotsyncratic (adj.) -- A tendency to act in both a quirky and incredibly moronic manner.

incalculabel (n.) -- A pricetag sticker for priceless items.

jujubilation (n.) - The joy of eating gumdrops.

kiltjoy (n.) -- A grumpy Scotsman.

Ku Klutz Klan (n.) -- An affiliation of gymnasts who support the segregation and destruction of the uncoordinated.

lactern (n.) -- The pulpit of a pregnant minister.

lassietude (n.) -- Apathy towards helpful collies.

logarhythm (n.) -- The jittery movement of mathematicians writing formulas on chalkboards.

marshmallet (v.) -- To assault with an ignited marshmallow on a stick.

meanderthal (n.) -- Extinct ancient cousin of homo sapiens who just couldn't keep up with evolution.

missacre (n.) -- A potentially brutal multiple homocide that is averted by very, very bad aim.

morguarita (n.) -- Alcoholic beverage made in a salt-rimmed glass using tequila, triple sec, and freshly squeezed formaldehyde.

newtral (adj.) -- Having no affiliation in the international frog and toad war.

noron (n.) -- A brain cell in an idiot.

orcanza (n.) -- Formal wear for whales.

omniscent (n.) -- A stench so overpowering it infiltrates and scrambles the brain.

pantalizing (adj.) -- 1. Inspiring desire to the point of drooling; 2. Inspiring desire by wearing Daisy Dukes.

peace corpse (n.) -- In battle, a signal to the enemy of one's surrender by waving a dead body.

permography (n.) -- Explicit media display of bad hair.

punnel (v.) -- To render senseless through incessant wordplay.

quintipple (n.) -- Alcoholic beverages drunk in fives.

Ratsafarian (n.) -- One who tokes rodents.

rodisserie (n.) -- A process of skewering a victim with rotating insults.

secedation (n.) -- To withdraw from an organization through sheer apathy.

shrimptious (adj.) -- Very delicious to small people.

shtickophant (n.) -- A servile self-seeker who attempts to win favor by telling extremely bad jokes.

skanctify (v.) -- Render holy by means of sex in the confessional.

sleepwok (v.) -- To fry up dinner at 3 a.m. after coming home wasted with the munchies.

slobbery (n.) -- The crime of living in your significant other's home when you're an unemployed alcoholic who wants to be the next Alice Cooper.

syruptitious (adj.) -- Of those who sneak the last of the Aunt Jemima during pancake breakfast.

tankalizing (adj.) -- Inspiring desire through Japanese poetry.

tantalicing (adj.) -- Inspiring desire through parasitic infection.

tarantalizing (adj.) -- Inspiring desire by wearing spiders.

tauntalizing (adj.) -- Inspiring desire through goading.

tentalizing (adj.) -- Inspiring desire by having an erection under sweatpants.

tintillate (v.) -- To attract a mate by wearing more make-up.

toolproof (v. & adj.) -- To protect against moronic men.

trampole (n.) -- A stripper's dance tool.

unflippable (adj.) - A stoic Weeble.

unisect (n.) -- One cult fits all.

unisicle (n.) -- What's left of a popsicle when part of it inevitably breaks and falls off.

vegeterran (n. & adj.) -- Those who only eat grain-fed people.

xyloprone (adj.) -- Unconsciousness brought about by an errant mallet swing while playing percussive instruments.


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Last 5 entries:
01.14.2007:Finally, a support group we can all get behind
01.09.2007:The City That Ever Reeks
01.08.2007:Waiter, there's a uterus in my soup
01.03.2007:Long Lost Mummy of Nefertiti Found in Smoog's Apartment
12.30.2006:New Year's resolutions we can actually keep



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