The latest reality TV show for those who have no life
Are you bored with your daily routine, the same schlepping tedium every minute of your existence? Is your house a disaster area rivalling a Columbian prison? Do your tits sag, your tummy pooch, your face scare toddlers into tears? Do your children hate you, your neighbours taunt you, and your employer laugh in your face when you ask for a promotion? Well get your video camera ready and send us your story! It's time for a makeover! Oh, not just any makeover - an extreme makeover. After all, everyone knows the only change worth anything at all is the kind of change that strips away everything that could be called your own and transforms you into a creation even your mother wouldn't recognize.
We started with your face, because, after all, we couldn't bear to keep looking at you, but you needed more. Then we bulldozed your pathetic hovel to the ground. Still you hadn't changed extremely enough. Now we have the answer you've been seeking, a makeover so extreme even a completely worthless, completely unfamous, completely average shlub like you can reach the level of notoriety you've always dreamed of. Yes, that's right, it's time for -
Finally we will help you end your miserable existence in style! You may never have been remembered in life for anything at all, but we can guarantee that no one, ever, will forget your death. No measly stroke or common cardiac arrest for you - if you are chosen by our team of crack death designers, you'll be bungie-jumped off the Chrysler building into oncoming traffic, attacked by rabid weasels in the midst of a camping trip, infected with a highly contagious form of haemmorhagic fever in a crowded subway car, or sliced in two by an errant pane of glass falling from Westminster Abbey during a royal wedding!
But that's not all! After your spectacular demise, you will be treated to a funeral that Liberace would want to attend if he weren't already dead himself. Topless dancers, see-through rotating caskets internally lit with a fabulous laser display, and puppet shows starring your own corpse could all be yours! Want to have your entire body plasticized and mounted in a famous art gallery? Yours! Always dreamed of being mummified and dumped in a bog to be discovered 2,000 years later by scientists and made front-page news? Yours! We can even pickle your internal organs, implant a glass window in your chest cavity, and put you on display for your entire town!
Now don't you worry that we scrimped on our budget and intend to pass your imminent demise over to a group of hacks. We've assembled a stellar team of talented celebrities and expert consultants to ensure your extreme death makeover is one for the record books. Let's meet them now!
Sprung from prison by our canny team of solicitors, Extreme Death Makeover is proud to have Dr. Kevorkian as our demo man. No extreme death makeover can begin until Kevorkian chooses the most stupendous manner in which to assist you to your demise. "I've always felt a great duty to help kill people who just aren't pulling their weight anymore, to guide them to the light with the use of various chemical and pharmaceutical agents. Extreme Death Makeover lets me take it further and truly meet a person's death needs by employing any necessary tool at my disposal. I can trepan your skull with a sharpened spoon, hire a cannibalistic psychopath to eat your liver, or use a cadre of circus clowns to imprison you in a giant rubber chicken and slowly lower you into a vat of piranhas. Whatever your goal in death, I will make sure our death design team gets you to your final destination regardless of fundamentalist religious protesters or pending criminal charges."
A man of few words, perhaps, but always a man of action! World-famous wrestling superstar The Undertaker wants to bury you and bury you hard. He opened up to us to explain. "While with the WWF, I always felt disconnected from the audience. The lights, the noise, the steroids - they all built a wall between me and my fans. It was so lonely. But no more! Now I can use my talents in an intimate partnership with our lucky soon-to-be-dead candidate. Casket selection, flower arrangements, music, venue - this really allows me to share my creativity with my fans in the best way! Just last week I built a coffin in the shape of a pyramid of Giza and mounted it above a perpetual flowing moat of rat's blood. It was beautiful." At this point, The Undertaker cut it short and asked for a tissue.
"Dead Possums! Don't you worry the tiniest bit, dearies. I have the skill of Michaelangelo in these fabulous fingertips!" Dame Edna is dying to get ahold of your pasty white face and magically transform your mundane look with an impressive collection of cosmetics, jewellery, wigs, and other dashing accessories, all guaranteed to withstand decades in the dirt without fading. "You'll look as grand in 100 years when they exhume your body as you do the day I trowel on the foundation! I may not be able to make you look as stunning as myself, possums - I'm a makeup artist, not a miracle worker - but by the time I'm through with you, you'll be fighting off the necrophiliac suiters!"
When it comes to standing out in a crowd, or lying down in it in this case, no one has the fashion sense for the undead like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. "Honey, what were you thinking wearing plaid when you downed that bottle of Tylenol? It's a good thing they pumped your stomach, darlin', because you wouldn't want to be caught dead in that outfit." Sumptuous velvets, leather, and deeply tinted satins are all part of Elvira's style. "You can't go getting dead in gingham, for pete's sake. What is this, an episode of Dorothy and the Wizard of Ghouls? I'll get you naked and in something dead and decent before you can even stare at my tits for an inappropriate length of time."
To support our team of celebrity death designers, Extreme Death Makeover has also brought in two expert consultants to ensure your death doesn't slip through the cracks.
Dr. Orwell Cutlass has been getting his hands dirty in death for 15 years at Beverly Hill's luxury Casa Loma Morgue and Celebrity Autopsy. He joins our team along with his excellent support staff and a myriad of sharp implements. "It's one thing to want to kill someone, it's another to do it right. Things can get tricky when you're not just sticking in a lethal injection on the fly or slitting a throat. That's where I come in. If you want to die by inhaling helium until you explode, I can get that done error-free. You don't want to slip away from a heart attack before critical mass, and my expertise will make sure that won't happen."
Merwin Granqvist loves stuffing. This nephew of the great taxidermist Eirik Granqvist tells us, "My work is unique because my stuffing is unique. I use only the finest mohair, but I've also employed the use of gold fillings, US bills, and caviar. Only the best for my clients." Granqvist is renowned for his lively posing and group montages, most notably the tableau of erstwhile Greek porn stars Gus and Athena Andropolous.
Finally, every Extreme Death Makeover will be hosted by none other than Dy, our own grim reaper! Dy is the life of the extreme death team, hyperactive, handsome, and quick with the practical jokes. "Oh man, you should have seen what Dy did with his scythe in Dame Edna's Winnebago," Elvira chuckles. "She came out more flushed than when we did that job for an entire group of suicidal Chippendale's dancers." Dy feels right at home in front of the camera. "THIS IS THE KIND OF OPPORTUNITY I'VE BEEN LOOKING TO FIND FOR MILLENNIA. OH SURE, THERE WAS FEAR FACTOR, BUT NO ONE EVER DIED FROM A BAD MAGGOT, YOU KNOW? DAMN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW DULL THE ALMOST DEAD CAN BE. TALK ABOUT STICKS IN THE MUD. ALWAYS BLUBBERING AND WHINING, 'DON"T TAKE ME, DON'T TAKE ME, IT'S NOT MY TIME!' OH YEAH? YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? TIME TO DIE WITH GUSTO, PEOPLE. LET'S DO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"
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